The Scars

Our scars remind us about how the past is real. Some scars are stories, written down on the body. Some others are written down the more undefinable places.

Personally, I believe scars are one of the most beautiful interpretations of reality. The ones showing, is a sign of the balance between strength and vulnerability. The ones not showing on the physical body, shows the exact same things; it's just a lot harder to see. That's what makes the scars on the soul much more unique and incredible.  

When I was about 10 years old I had the chickenpox like any other pre-puberty kid. The only different was that one of the "pox" left a scar at the top right side of my back. I wanted to have it removed from my body.
During the operation, I found out that I create keloidal scars, which means even the smallest breaks in my skin can form far more severe scars. "I bruise easily", you can say. This resulted in me getting an entirely new scar, because I chose to get rid of the old one. Today, I never really think about it, since it's on that part of my back I can't see, and even worse, can never scratch. But now, when I come to think of it, I guess it can be the symbolisation of some kind of typical american metaphor. I'm not gonna look at it that way, but there is a funny thought and lesson to it; do not try "removing" the scars from yourself, or you might end up with whole new ones.

Scars are the evidence of a life you are living. No matter if it's a scar on the middle of your chest, from open-heart surgery, a mark from the 10 year old childhood, on the back, or a complex and more emotional kind in your mind. By being a person, in love with writing down my thoughts, I can say I agree in multiple ways with this author:

"Writers remember everything... Especially the hurts. Strip a writer to the bug, point to the scars, and he'll tell you the story of each small one. From the big ones you get novels. A little talent is a nice thing to have if you want to be a writer, but the only real requirement is the ability to remember the story of every scar. Art consists of the persistence of memory." - Stephen King

The Ghosts

Have you ever felt haunted?

I can assure you, that you're not the only one.

I'm not talking about those white stereotypical ghosts, hovering two feet above the ground. I'm talking about real people who, for various reasons, show up in your mind on a, monthly, weekly or maybe even daily basis. They own a second of your day. You even named this second after them in your personal dictionary. Haunting your mind and making you remember this specific impact they left you with, with all your senses in play.

No matter if we got hurt, fascinated, amused or sad, it is a fact that some people create a uniqueness for you; call it a higher destiny, a bond between two people that some higher power had planned out. A ghost could for example be "the one that got away"; a bond you never got to fully investigate or experience. Who knows what it could have turned out to be.

Some people leave a big impression on you, without even being that different from everybody else. Why is that? How can some people take up so much capacity in your mind? Just after one conversation, or even just the imaginary conversation that could have taken place, you know something special just happened. This particular connection is comparable to the ectoplasm that ghost are said to be made of, I believe.

The thing about ghosts is that movies taught us they have a possibility to find "the eternal peace" and disappear from haunting the scary house. I don't think that peace can ever be found in my interpretation of being a ghost. To make this thought a bit clearer to you guys, I wanna present two of my ghosts to you. Hopefully, these two people can make you identify a ghost of your own. Maybe two.

The Girl In Blue

A couple of years ago I took the train. I believe I was in a state of mind, which made me more receptive to the impressions of my surroundings; I saw this girl.

She was standing with two of her friends about 10 feet away from my seat leaning over a kind of railing. The way they were dressed, all three of them, gave me an idea about their destination being a prom of some kind.

The girl was wearing a blue dress, high heels, red lips and her hair pulled back from her face.

I can't explain what happened for the next 10 minutes, but as I watched this girl, I felt like i got to know everything about her. You could tell she wasn't a girl getting compliments or being familiar to feeling pretty in this world; but she was. And for some reason, just for this one night, she seemed completely transformed, believing in this herself as well. Even with her hesitant body language and insecure use of eye contact, you could feel how much she believed in herself for this one night. I remember, that all I wanted to do, was to go over there and tell her how beautiful she looked; I believe that action would make her believe in herself, even after this night had ended. But I didn't. Such a pussy. And perhaps this is the reason why she afterwards became a ghost to me. My thoughts, often, bestows a second on her, and I'm so happy they do. As if they were actually the compliment she never received from me. The action I rejected.

The Believing Guy

I've always seen myself as being agnostic, meaning I believe in some sort of higher power that we people can't control; something undefined and greater. But I've never believed in God. I guess believing in him, if you can even say that, is something I admire very much. It's just not me.

A little while ago, I met this guy who changed my way of thinking in many ways. The first time I met him, he was wearing this bracelet with the letters WWJD on. My first thought went to James Dean. Maybe world wide James Dean or something would be my first guess on the code. He explained to me how this bracelet was about his believes, and stood for; what would Jesus do. I didn't suddenly start believing in something new, but I opened my mind to the opportunity. This guy was inspiring in many different ways. Many ways that people might never find out; but I believe I did. And this makes him a ghost to me.

Everytime I see a blue dress, I summon the girl, and every time I pass by a church, the guy shows up in my thoughts. It's like a set of life lessons we people never got to accomplish in a way we maybe hoped, but it kinda happened with the best possible solution. Ghosts are never forgotten, nor leaving; they make us think, and keep thinking in new ways. It's a shame that the dictionary defines them as scary creatures, when they actually the strictly opposite.

The First Five Morning Minutes

I love sleeping and I love my bed.
My understanding is, that people don't appreciate those golden hours, during nighttime, enough. The human is a machine who only can perform out from how his sleep went. Try going through a whole night without sleeping, followed by a day of work. Trust me, you will never underestimate the night you could have had with your dreams, again.

As a person who thinks a lot, the second best thing I know about sleeping is my dreams. Who doesn't? Maybe you get killed once in a while, but it's all worth it for those great dreams as well. All the times you dreamt about flying, being able to perform magic, meeting your idol, going to a whole new and probably non-existing place or having sex with a complete stranger, while you're already taken. If it's a dream, it's not cheating.

The nights are our days without any boundaries. We also remove all the norms, do's and dont's all together with a whole set of rules we follow during our regular day life. Everything is possible, and if we could just be completely conscious about what happened around us in that dream, we could design every single part of it, as we dreamt it.

That was my second favourite thing. But my favourite moment lying in my bed, is the first five minutes after I wake up. Still in a dreaming state of mind, everything just seems to not matter right now. I know that I'm me, lying in my bed, in my room, but I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world. Reality didn't kick in yet, not completely.
The feeling of lying still, completely relaxed and rested, with the duvet, warm and soft around your body, and the daylight that just a couple of hours ago was gone, now shines through your window and down on you.

All the worries and speculations you filled your head with, right before you fell asleep, is gone with the new day arriving. Maybe they're not, but at least they are for the next five minutes. Sometimes in the weekends you can even get to expand these minutes a bit, if you planned your day right. Go on spending millions on meditation and psychiatrists; these minutes in the morning are worth more that money can buy. And I'm not even trying to sell you something new here, I'm just trying to make you notice how your first minutes in bed every day is the best time of your awake life.

I like not to open my eyes for these minutes, and instead just trying to reconnect with the dreams I just had an hour ago. Sometime I even go right back into them, but this time I can control them for a bit. Or at least I like to think I can. The second I wake up from sleeping, it's like I can feel the wakefulness flow through my body, starting with my head and slowly passing down to my feet. The feeling is pure happiness, in the best way it could ever be.

Going from a dream scenario where everything was new and different, to the scenario of the new day, where everything can become new and different, is such a wild feeling, and it all happens in those five minutes, where everything around me is quite, hidden and still sleeping.

The Closure

First of all, closure is one on my favourite words; just try to say it out loud, the smoothness of the letter combination and the feeling it leaves you with afterwards, is quite unique.

Second, and most important, of all, the meaning of the word has been redefined and re-experienced through my last couple of years in many different ways.

Per definition: closure - the act of closing or the state of being closed

As already mentioned multiple times on this site, I have a lot of thoughts going on in my mind, sometimes even fighting against each other about the determination of right and wrong. What should I spend my braincells on, what shouldn't I, does it change anything if I do, and would it change anything if I actually didn't. The last thought in particular.

I'm 20 years old, and have lived a great childhood with both my parents, sister, brother, friends and myself. When I think back on the older days, I can't seem to find any scenarios that needed closure from my side. I guess some battles were fought, but today they simply dont seem that memorable or of importance.
I'm still young and with lack of knowledge about who I am as a complete person. It's an adventure to find yourself, and I'm happy that I can still surprise myself with ways of acting and thinking in specific situations. But these last couple of months I feel like I've had to create closure in multiple situations. It makes me feel grown up and proud of myself, that I suddenly have to be selective in letting things go or simply accepting the way they went.
This is not a diary, which means I won't mention the specific situations. I wanna talk about the themes, and hope that you can relate to them.

- Happiness for the people you love the most. The ones I've grown up with, who's taught me about love, forgiveness and what it means to pursue happiness; these people have through the last couple of months changed the terms for themselves - what it needs for them to regain these qualities. My thoughts have been put to a test in a battle between my own past - how my security and happiness was created, against how I want my nearest to feel that love and security as well. Fall in love again, feel comfortable, be themselves for the fullest and focus on their own happiness as the goal. I'm so happy that I can finally say my own kind of closure is completely present.

- Choosing your path to happiness, and only one path at a time. To be safe and sound combined with routines - an every day with tendencies to form a pattern, has never really been my definition of being happy. I could, in a dream scenario, have all the materialistic goals I wanted, be with THE person I wanted and live this way for eternity, but I wouldn't be completely happy. My happiness has always come in a form of being open to the new paths. If something, or someone, stands in the way of this, it brings me sadness and a step away from the possible happiness I might already be in. I guess I will never sit, leaned back in a chair, looking out on the horizon and think "I'm as happy as I can be". But my closure comes in accepting that I AM only 20, and that I don't need to invent a perfect life for myself right now. I just need to feel good, and right, about who I love and what I do. Time will show me when, and if, I need to change that.

- Giving up on things you can't have at the same time. With the word closure, comes also the word beginnings. The unexplored and new has always been the most interesting for me; new countries to visit, new sensory experiences, new people to meet and greet. Some people I let come to close in ways they shouldn't, because they could, if it was okay. But it isn't okay - not always. Sometimes letting people into your life, might hurt other people. Clashing. But we don't wanna limit ourselves, and we don't wanna say goodbye to something that might turn out even better than what we already had, would we? This is where my closure kicks in! Everybody wants the best for themselves, but true happiness comes in being happy with what you already love and own - not what you could achieve other places. The grass is always greener on the other site, but that's green bullshit.

I do not forbid myself from dreaming and thinking new thoughts, with new possible changes of heart and soul. But closure is my art of telling myself, that where I am is the place I want to be. If I didn't feel happy, I would know it was the time to change one of the gears in the machine. But right now, I am happy. Thinking about achieving happiness through other scenarios, isn't important, and it's especially not necessary in an age of 20, young, wild, free and thinking.

To create closure and give it to yourself is, for me, telling yourself to "choose your battles". My flaws are the tools to work my mind out, and to bring a wide smile to my mouth.

I think sometimes peopler require the satisfaction of closure. - Diablo Cody